In my Valentine’s offering earlier this month, I encouraged you to embrace constructive conflict as a path to a healthier romantic relationship. But of course, all relationships—with ourselves, our families, our friends, co-workers and communities—benefit from care-filled honesty, especially when navigating difficult topics.

So, in that spirit, I send you this open-hearted note—raising a challenging subject—with the hope of deepening our relationship, even if we disagree.

As the proud mother of two adult LGBT children who are targeted by the current presidential administration, I choose to share with you more about who I am. While I have compassion for the concerns and values I imagine are held by those of you who voted differently than I did, I am deeply disturbed by the cruelty enacted by President Trump as he seeks to reassert dominance of an old order. The vilification and expulsion of immigrants and the vigorous rejection of diversity, equity and inclusion are, in effect, an elevation of uniformity, inequity and exclusion. These priorities violate and offend my faith, humanistic and American values.

Plus, I am the parent of a transgender child who came out a decade ago as a young teen. My husband and I honored our child’s fearful and courageous sharing, and we agonized over how to provide the right support and guidance. As a psychologist, I had more knowledge than most parents about the research on transgender mental and physical health, and we received abundant professional and personal care. Our child’s transition and our parenting journey were extraordinarily difficult, even under the best of circumstances—which we had, especially given the unwavering support from our family and community. And that was long before the current climate, where the threat of being deemed unfit parents and having children removed into a harmful “protective” system looms. This administration’s push against all forms of diversity is both professionally and personally unacceptable to me. I know the science and have lived experience of how embracing diversity enhances the lives of all people, even though it shakes us up sometimes as we grapple and learn to find a way forward together. I stand for the expansive expression of humanity, for belonging, and for fairness to all.

Let’s pause and take a breath. Or at least I will, and I invite you to join me. Take a moment to check in with yourself about what you’re experiencing.

In the video accompanying my earlier post on embracing conflict, I spoke about the Emotional Challenge Zones. Writing—and now sending—this vulnerable love letter to you has certainly pushed me out of my Comfort Zone. My concern about your reaction has my nervous system activated, yet I’m not in the Dysregulation Zone, where I would fight, flee, freeze or fawn. Instead, I am in the Disruption Zone. I’m willing to have you see me and my family through any lens: disdain, discomfort, apathy, curiosity or compassion. The truth is, I don’t know what you’ll feel, think or do with what I’ve shared.
 
I hope you’ll pause and notice for yourself. When an experience impacts you, how do you react? Do your thoughts race? What’s happening in your body? How do you track your emotions? Can you feel the difference between Comfort and Disruption? Between Disruption and Dysregulation? If you find yourself dysregulated, what helps you return to disruption, where you can engage constructively? Or to comfort, where you can step back and let this go?
 
If you’ve followed my previous posts on racism, ageism, gun violence, war and activism, you’re probably not surprised by today’s direct sharing of my liberal politics and personal life. I know many of you are also struggling with witnessing or feeling targeted by the dominance, annihilation and cruelty of this administration. If you’re in pain over what is happening now, I invite you to watch this recording of a session I led, offering emotional support after the election.
 
I also recognize that some of you may feel irritated, taken aback, or appalled by my words. I hope we can stay connected respectfully and engage in disagreement with compassionate curiosity about each other’s values and views.
 
If you can reply constructively, I welcome your questions, feedback and comments. Of course, there is no need to respond. However, if you do, I invite you to first notice which Emotional Challenge Zone you’re in: comfort, disruption or dysregulation. If you find yourself dysregulated, take a moment to slow your breathing, stand up and move around, say a prayer or hum a love song. This may help you shift from dysregulated to disrupted, where you can constructively express your feedback, whether challenging or supportive. After pausing, consider revising what you’ve written before sending. This is a valuable practice anytime you engage with a hot topic online: pause, settle and revise before clicking send. That is certainly the process I followed in crafting this note, and I hope this care comes across to you.
 
Thank you for hearing my honest heart.
 
With love,
Margit